i thought about ben all day today. when this day and a few others are coming up every year it's like i almost hold my breath for a few weeks beforehand. i can't explain it, and i'm not sure why i do it. maybe because i don't want to make it any worse than it already is by dwelling on it consciously. but, of course, i do dwell on it consciously and unconsciously, which, i tell myself, is perfectly natural. the problem is, i still don't know what to think or feel about being without him. i'm a naturally an optimistic person, but this is the hugest test of optimism for me.
every year's a little different. this year he would be twenty-eight. he might be married and have children. i might have visited him or phoned him or sent him a gift on his birthday. if i were with him i would have kissed him and smelled his hair. i would have watched him smile or laugh his self-deprecating laugh. i would have made him know how much i love him...how he delighted me.
i didn't go to the cemetery today. i never get the urge to go there and only do so if it's someone else's idea. on one level i feel guilty about this and wonder if there is something wrong with me. i don't know why, but it doesn't comfort me much to go up there. i see three graves, but the people they represent are not there for me. i believe and hope they are together with each other in an even closer way than those graves are. and i'm sorry to have to admit this because it may cause people who love me to feel pain, but i see the empty place beside ben and it looks inviting to me...so i don't go to the cemetery.
but, on the other hand, life is full of invitations too. dennis and i were reflecting about our lives and how five years ago we didn't see how we could get through the next five days let alone the next five years, and yet, here we are and our lives are good and blessed and we are happy, even if we've had to learn to be happy in a new way. the love of our family, especially our leslie, makes our lives worthwhile, believe me. i apologize for perhaps sounding a little self-pitying. i don't really pity myself at all. ben was a blessing who's passing just made me appreciate all the more the time we had with him. happy birthday ben, dear. i love you so much. mom
6 comments:
Between your blog and Whitney's letter today I have done my share of crying. This morning I had to count how old he would have been and imagine what he would be like. Some how I just can't picture him getting older. I just remember him at 22 or younger. My life changed the day Ben was born. My life changed the day he died. I too would have loved to smell his hair today and hear his laugh and just be with him. I had a dream about him the other day. I remember grabbing him and hugging him and he was wondering what the big deal was. I love and miss him so.
My heart aches, but I do find comfort in knowledge of an afterlife. It is hard for me to imagine anyone loving our children more than we do, but He is there and does! We love your family so much and our thoughts are with you on these days and more!
I often have dreams of Ben too. They are extremely pleasant and I even wake up happy even though I only had a glimpse of him. We are always doing very normal cousin things. Hanging out with the family, fishing or just sitting and talking. Thank you for the insight into how you are feeling. I wish that he could see Leah and play with her, I know that she would love him. But I know that he knows her in a way already, as do grandma and grandpa. As wonderful people exit our lives, new wonderful people enter and that gives me comfort. I love Ben and often think of all of the wonderful adventures and experiences I shared with him
Dear Lizzy, Ben's birthday is still marked on my calendar every year. I'm grateful for the pictures that you posted of the most beautiful boy, and when I say that, I mean his spirit as well as his face. One of the last times I saw Ben I grabbed him from behind and gave him a huge hug. I'm so glad that I did because he was gone so fast after that. It gives me strength that you are optimistic. You and Dennis, like dad, have become strong in your tribulations, and that has helped our family. We miss Ben too so much. I know that he is working with other spirits and sometimes with Mom and Dad to help others know Jesus Christ and the gospel. I know Whit has felt his presence and she knows he watches out for her. Thank goodness he can do that for us. I love you so much and am thankful that we are sisters.
I didn't go to the cemetary either, I know Whitney will be disappointed with me. I don't feel comfort from the cemetary either but I like to go there every once in a while just to check on things. I was so hoping to feel Mom, Dad and Ben's presence when we were in the temple with Miranda and Brooks. I think I was so stressed and worrying about Miranda that I didn't feel them like I could have. I'm so glad that Whitney has been comforted by Ben's spirit.
I love Ben and I love you and Dennis and Les.
You know, I love that picture of Ben in the bouncy chair. My gosh, what a precious baby. That smile stayed with him and never changed. I have to look at that picture because it reminds me of how he looked when I first saw hime. He was five months old and so chubby or should I say healthy. Loved that look.
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